Not Coming to a Theater Near You

X-Men: The Last Stand / X-Men 3 / X3 / USA / 2006

What’s distinguished the X-Men series from other like-minded action-hero films is the inclusion of layered characters, specifically how the “mutants” are humane and human while the humans are bigoted and emotionless. Like Bobby Drake, many of Xavier’s students have been admonished by their parents for being different, while Rogue cannot engage in physical contact with anyone for fear of killing them. Even the villains suffer from profound inner turmoil: Magneto is a Holocaust survivor, while X2’s Stryker is forced to live with the gruesome suicide of his wife over their son. The acting is always superbly nuanced, and the storyline isn’t forced, something I accredit to Bryan Singer’s perceptive direction.

With that said, let me skip all the fancy superlatives and authoritative analysis and be completely honest about X3: it’s a piece of shit. Replacing Bryan Singer is Brett Ratner, who rushes the storyline like an anxious child playing with his Marvel toys. Every action is predictable and clichéd, and halfway through you find yourself writhing in agony, as you already know how it’s going to end. The special effects alternate between spectacular and terrible, and the introduction of a whole new slew of characters seems like a desperate attempt to avoid creating an actual story. Even the most skillful and experienced members of the cast, including Ian McKellen and Bill Duke, stagger through their dialogue. They’re not committed, and understandably so—every line is hackneyed and unoriginal. Even Kelsey Grammer, who’s unrecognizable as the blue and massive Beast, leaves no lasting impression (though watching Frasier Crane assault people is momentarily entertaining). Everything is created out of convenience rather than ingenuity or purpose.

The drive home from X3 was a half-hour of utter torment. Never before have I been forced into reexamining everything I understood and admired about cinema. I felt manipulated, used, all because this film cannot be taken back. It’s there, forever marketable alongside the first two. And even though this franchise will never be as admired or revered as other contemporary trilogies, it deserved better.

by Adam Balz | Source: 35mm Print
28 May 2006 8:54 PM | Comments (7)

Comments / 7 total / Submit Comment

1. strjh02@moravian.com / 28 May 2006 / 10:36 PM

   “With that said, let me skip all the fancy superlatives and authoritative analysis and be completely honest about X3: it’s a piece of shit.”

   Quite funny, although I am sad to hear that. I don’t care much for the first X-Men (I find it rather laborious and uninvolving), but the second is, despite it’s inherent silliness, quite aware of it’s characters, implications of humanity, as well as respecting the audience enough to NOT devolve into a mere series of action setpeices (and when it does turn up the adrenaline, it does so will style and craft).

2. CpILL / 30 May 2006 / 7:01 AM / URL

   Here here :(

3. Stoney Wan Kenobi / 1 June 2006 / 3:11 PM

   “The drive home from X3 was a half-hour of utter torment. Never before have I been forced into reexamining everything I understood and admired about cinema. I felt manipulated, used, all because this film cannot be taken back.”

   Wow. Relax dude, you are taking yourself way too seriously. I think your expectations going into the film were misguided. Sounds like you went to see X3 in the hopes of coming to a new level of enlightenment, or fully becoming one with cinema. They should of had a disclosure statement during the trailer for X3 for people like you, something like this.

   WARNING If you are going to see X-Men The Last Stand in the hopes of being intrigued or thought provoked by aristic displays of sheer cinematic genius…please DON’T GO.

   I can’t believe that you were that dissapointed with X3 and not totally taken aback after seeing Bryan Singer slow roll the comics in the first two films. I’m sure Singers a diehard fanboy and all, and probably was begging and pleading to do these films, but christ 20th Century why him? He lacks vision and imagination. The first two X-Men were extremely cut and dry, the dialogue seemed forced, and overdramatic. I can’t believe that Marvel would allow their #1 all time comic book to be put to film in such a manner. I will say that Mr. Singers pacing is excellent and nothing felt rushed, which is something that’s lacking from X3. But overall he made two mediocre films, that were guaranteed home runs. I don’t think Bryan Singer should have been given the green light to direct the first two X-Men films, let alone any other comic book film (i.e. Superman).

   Moving on to X3, I couldn’t agree with you more about the special effects. The scene at the Grey’s home when the Proffessor gets evaporated was astounding, one of the coolest special effects moments I’ve seen in a film in a long time. But then scenes with Iceman and Colossus using their mutant powers are horrid!!! Seriously the effects for Colossus and Iceman are a step back in the evolution of digital effects, like something straight out of the late 80’s early 90’s.

   I had a fun time watching X3, but being a long time fan of the comics I am dissapointed. It isn’t a horrible film, it just doesn’t live up to my expectations as a fan of the comics. But none of the three X-Men movies have.

4. strjh02@moravian.com / 1 June 2006 / 7:23 PM

   Having now seen it, I must agree with Adam. What a peice of shit. I’ll agree that the first two films were mostly mediocre (I do like X2, even if it wasn’t great), but X3 seemed to exist only to give virginal fanboys a glimpse of all their favorite mutants and respective powers on the big screen – the story seemed like a complete afterthought. And there’s something rather dehumanizing about a film that treats the climactic death of the masses like nothing more than a cool special effect. You don’t have to be expecting a masterpeice to be disappointed by something like X3. X2 had, imo, both craft and intelligence. X3 had neither. At least I only wasted $5.50 on it.

5. BobLedMan / 6 June 2006 / 9:52 AM

   Wow, calm down, guy. You sound like you were crying on the drive home. It’s just a single movie in the Xmen series, and while it wasn’t great, it wasn’t without some appeal. Well, except for Halle Berry – she continues to butcher Storm in movie after movie.

6. adam / 6 June 2006 / 4:03 PM / URL

   “It’s just a single movie in the Xmen series…”

   Precisely why the drive home was so upsetting: X3 is now a part of the series. Singer’s specific style, not to mention the style of his regular crew, made the first two films enjoyable, despite the obvious flaws; by throwing in an entirely new production staff, including Ratner as director, the franchise lost much of its distinct flavor. (As I stated before, much of the mutant’s profound humanity disappeared behind oversaturated special effects and awful dialogue, transforming many once-great characters into flat caricatures.) Imagine if Peter Jackson had taken a short break between the second and third LOTR films, and the impatient studio threw in Renny Harlin or W.S. Anderson to direct the final installment.

   Deep down I’ve always known that studios would favor money over constancy and a loyal fan-base, which is why I’ve avoided the “happy” version of Brazil, but this was the first time I actually witnessed it. Bryan Singer offered to do X3 after he finished the new Superman film, but apparently there was too much at stake.

7. rob (formerly STRJH02) / 10 January 2007 / 8:42 PM / URL

   Came back to this after a perusal of the archives….Adam, you’re right to avoid the “Love Conquers All” version of Brazil from that mindset, but if you’re as much of a fan of the film (the real film) as I am, I’d recommend it solely because of how much more you will appreciate Gilliam’s realized vision in the end. The “happy” version was one of the most infuriating things I ever watched, seeing all the conviction and artistic impulse of a film I so loved being drained away in the most unimaginable ways possible. Having seen the dark side, I hold the real version that much more dearly.