Not Coming to a Theater Near You

300 / Frank Miller’s 300 / USA / 2006

Apparently, ancient Spartan military strategy involved the abandonment of armor, food, and sleep for leather speedos and tubs of body oil. 300 has more glistening pectorals and thick, shuddering calf muscles than the entire Chippendales establishment, though seeing those men climb down from the stage and engage in battle would be far more interesting. Zack Snyder’s adaptation of Frank Miller’s graphic novel is perhaps the longest, flattest, dullest war epic ever filmed, and academic historians have been queuing in droves—many in front of cameras for the History Channel—to denounce this film as neither accurate nor engaging, which doesn’t guarantee to keep the hordes of preteen fanboys from lining up to view 117 minutes of intermittent sex and endless carnage. And those historians have a point—claiming “historical adaptation” doesn’t permit anyone to make a film with English-speaking Mediterranean soldiers, all broad-shouldered and bare-chested, heaving indestructible spears and clean swords in slow-motion at more than a hundred thousand digitally rendered adversaries, all while the spilled blood disappears instantly from the ground. (Seriously, where did it all go?) I was tempted to walk out more than once, and I would have utterly detested this film were it not for the blade-limbed Executioner, who is sadly underutilized by faux-god Xerxes (played by Rodrigo Santoro, who is apparently on Lost). Still, the whole thing provided endless fodder for the ride home, much of which revolved around Sparta’s mysteriously abrupt and impractical Large Hole and the Spartan military’s wardrobe which, once again, was ridiculously homoerotic. The whole thing is green-screen war porn, and audiences will undoubtedly eat it up for years to come. History teachers, I pity you.

Thomas’ Thoughts.

by Adam Balz | Source: Warner Brothers 35MM Theatrical Print
18 Mar 2007 6:06 PM | Comments (3)

Comments / 3 total / Submit Comment

1. brian / 18 March 2007 / 5:40 PM / URL

   Of course it’s a silly film. But this review misses the point entirely.

   … Zack Snyder’s adaptation of Frank Miller’s graphic novel is perhaps the longest, flattest, dullest war epic ever filmed …

   So how does it do as a filmed graphic novel? I don’t see it even pretending to be ‘epic’, so why judge it as such?

   … and academic historians have been queuing in droves—many in front of cameras for the History Channel—to denounce this film as neither accurate nor engaging

   This is funny, particularly from the HC. Is anyone watching this for the history? Really?

   Maybe you should have seen it with “fanboys” like I did last night, expecting exactly what we got, and finding a lot of satisfaction in that.

2. Adam B. / 19 March 2007 / 5:12 AM / URL

   I saw the film with a mix of people, including quite a few over the age of 50 who thought it was also ridiculous. (If the laughs weren’t proof enough, the old man sitting behind a friend of mine muttering “JEE-SUS CHRIST” every five seconds was.) I loved Sin City, even as it was derided by some—many—as overly violent and misogynistic, but that’s because it was always moving. There was no hour-long gun-war between Dwight and Jackie Boy, nor was everyone dressed in scanty swimwear. And because this film is “based” on history, I fear people may pick it up as such. (Also, if you think the film is meant to be silly, please read some other online reviews, as they’ve obviously not picked up on the absurdity.)

   There’s a moment in 300 that, I think, represents my feelings perfectly. The Spartans, having come upon a burning city, are threatened by what appears to be a monstrous beast moving through the smoke. But when the figure appears, it’s only a child. 300 claims to be big—I’m sorry, but a hundred thousand digital soldiers and a $60 million budget is epic, my friend—but is just a little kid who wants to play War with his Spartan soldier toys.

3. brian / 19 March 2007 / 11:24 AM / URL

   thanks Adam,

   I expect we’re saying similar things from different perspectives. I wouldn’t have seen the film if not coerced, but had a romp anyway. And I’m one of those old guys.