Not Coming to a Theater Near You

Robot Monster / Monster from the Moon / USA / 1953

In a preemptive strike against the increasing intelligence of humanity, the race of Ro-man, an ape-like species from another world, unleashes a furious assault upon the Earth, incinerating nearly all of humanity via their Calcinator Death Ray. Even though a man known as The Professor had the foresight to create a miracle inoculation (a serum capable of warding off any and all diseases, and, fortunately, extraterrestrial death rays), he was only able to preserve the lives of eight hapless humans. Furious at this inability to dispatch the entire human race in one fell swoop, the leader of the Ro-mans (referred to as Great Guidance) dispatches his ablest lackey (named, creatively, Ro-man), to do away with the insufferable survivors.

Rife with idiocy, this is one of the most entertaining bad sci-fi films I’ve ever seen. From the befuddling stock footage of lizards fighting to the death (interspersed with an even more befuddling stop-motion animation sequence featuring a triceratops), to a giant space helmet-wearing ape creature making the moves on a young lady, to the wedding ceremony featuring a groom without a shirt and a scientist quoting the Beatitudes, it’s nearly impossible to wrap your mind around the logic of this bizarre world.

Indeed, with each passing moment of Robot Monster’s 60-minute running time, a new question arises:

When is this story taking place? On the one hand, we have a human-run space platform hovering somewhere in the atmosphere. On the other hand, we have dinosaurs.

Does love turn seemingly normal human beings into mimes? Witness the inexplicable dalliance between the two leads, just as the end of the world seems nigh. Settling down in a field, the pair begins an animated conversation about their feelings. Suddenly, the words cease, the conversation continuing via exaggerated hand gestures.

Can bubbles facilitate communication? Judging by Ro-Man’s heavy reliance on the Million Bubble Machine every time he checks in with Great Guidance, we must assume that the future of interstellar dialogue involves massive quantities of water and soap.

I’m sure that there is supposed to be a deep message in here somewhere, about faith, redemption, and, more than likely, the evils of communism. But what I learned from the film was much more practical: be nice to people while you can, because someday a giant ape astronaut might kill everyone you know.

by Thomas Scalzo | Source: Treeline Films DVD
19 Aug 2007 12:42 PM | Submit Comment